The Interview

Standard

So here is how I imagine the interview process goes:

After the bus finishes driving around gathering candidates no younger than 68 years old, they are put in a room to be interviewed one at a time.

“Thanks for being interested in our position, I just have a few questions. First, are you strong enough to push a shopping cart?”

“Well, barely, I would have to move very slowly, but I can get it going if I try hard enough.”

“Perfect. Are you free during the hours of 9am and 4pm? This is the best time to fill the grocery store with our team members.”

“Yes, our Bingo game doesn’t start until 5pm.”

“Great. Now, I know it’s been a long time since you’ve been in school, but we need people who are strong in geometry and trigonometry. Are you good at that stuff?”

“Why?”

“Well, we need people who are good at geometry to be able to locate the exact exact center of the aisles, so they can leave their cart precisely there – making it impossible for anyone to get by. And we need people who know their trigonometry to be able to trace out a sine curve with their cart as they are slowly pushing it along an aisle and actually moving.”

“Oh, that makes sense, I guess. I have to say I wasn’t that strong in math, but I remember the fundamentals.”

“We also have a training program, in case you need to brush the dust off, so that’s no problem. Now move over here to our mock aisle set up, where a cart is already placed exactly in the center of a a mini aisle, and there is a can of spinach on the shelf nearby. Please have a look at that can of spinach. Can you read the first item on the list of ingredients?”

“Well, let me get over there …. Sure. It says ‘water’ “.

“Sigh. I’m sorry to let you know that you are not qualified for our position after all.”

“Really? That’s disappointing. Why not?”

“Because you were able to read the list of ingredients right away. You did really well in not attempting to move the cart out of the way in either direction, that was ideal. But then when you picked up the can of spinach, you were able to read the ingredients right away. You did not need to tilt the can in multiple different directions, or even try to move it into better light or exchange it with a different can. Also, you showed great awareness of your surroundings as you moved from the chair over to here, and that did not display the level of utter obliviousness that we usually require.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, unfortunately, when our business is to make sure people shopping in the middle of the day are constantly blocked by slow oblivious people and prevented from getting around them in the aisles, and so forcing them to take longer looks at the shelves, and possibly see more stuff to buy, we have to stick to our exacting standards. Even the slightest lapse might allow one of these people to get through the store faster than they should. We just can’t have that.”

“Well, I certainly understand.”

“Thank you for your time, and good luck. NEXT!!”

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